How it wasn't
by Isefyr
Summary: Severus Snape had one ray of sunshine in his life. She had red hair and beautiful eyes, was named for a flower, and changed his life forever. She was the embodiment of heartbreak and lost opportunities. She was everything. She was the best and worst thing to ever happen to Severus Snape.


Severus Snape spent most of his time out of the house, searching for a ray of sunshine that would break through the perpetual gloom of his life. One day, he found it. His particular ray of sunshine had red hair and beautiful eyes, and was appropriately named for a flower.

She was the best and worst thing that ever happened to Severus Snape.

…

"Sev! Sev!"

Severus turned around, fondly watching Lily barrel up the hill towards him. Her hair was flying, and she was smiling so widely that he couldn't help but smile back.

"It happened!" She yelled, obviously delighted. "Just like you said, Sev, a _real wizard_ came to the house and explained to mum and dad and I got a _letter_ and everything!"

She skipped around him, obviously unable to keep still.

"Isn't it just _marvelous_? Now we'll get to go to Hogwarts, _together_! And learn _real magic_, and make _potions_, and-"

Severus was laughing, happy in her happiness. "Slow down, Lily! Hogwarts can wait for you to finish a sentence!"

She stopped skipping and stared at him. "But aren't you excited, Sev?"

"Of course I am," he said hastily. "I'm really happy for you, honest! I'll be glad to have my best friend with me."

She smiled, brilliantly, and he looked at her hand longingly, wondering if _now_ would be a good moment to take it.

But Lily was skipping again, too eager to be still. "Isn't it the best day EVER?" She yelled to the sky, and after a moment of regret Severus joined her, caught up in the swells of her joy.

…

"Black, Sirius!"

Severus edged closer to Lily, trying to take comfort from her familiar presence. His hand, clammy and pale, brushed hers past the sleeve of her robes, and he saw a sliver of a smile work its way onto her face before her fingers traced an "S" on the back of his hand.

"Scared, Sev?" She whispered as the hat bellowed "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Of a hat?" He whispered back. "Nah."

"I wonder what house I'll be in, she said after a pause, tracing an "L" onto his hand. "Does it really matter, Sev?"

"Dart, Ewan!"

"No," He said after a pause. "It doesn't."

He wasn't exactly sure he believed it- his parents had assured him that Slytherin was the best and that was where he was headed. But it reassured Lily, and she hooked her little finger through his with a smile.

"Evans, Lily!"

"Good luck," Severus whispered, and she slowly let go of him and walked to the sorting had with a very straight spine.

He barely had a moment to hope before the hat yelled "GRYFFINDOR!" and the hall burst into applause. Lily smiled at Severus, a little sadly, and moved sedately to sit at her new House's table.

Severus could barely see, could barely breathe. _Gryffindor?_ Was he singled out for some special torment, which put his best friend, his own ray of sunshine, was sent to his almost-certainly rival house?

His mind was racing. Was all that his parents had told him even _true?_ If Lily- kind, sweet, wonderful Lily- was meant for Gryffindor, could that house truly be that awful?

Could he follow her there, if he wished hard enough?

"Snape, Severus!"

Severus ascended the steps to the Hat, conflicted. What was right- follow Lily or his parents?

Was he even brave enough to be a Gryffindor?

The hat settled on his head, and he could think of nothing else. He didn't know what he was wishing for, but he wished.

"SLYTHERIN!"

He wasn't brave enough.

The Hat was removed from his head, and he slumped to the Slytherin table, suddenly sure that his future would be very bleak indeed.

…

"I simply _cannot_ understand this assignment." Lily complained as she plopped down next to Severus in the library. "Professor Slughorn must be _mad _to suggest that beetle eyes have _any_ effect in a calming draught!"

"Then he's mad," Severus said, amused. "Because he's wrong."

Lily flipped her hair out of her face and glared at him with an impetuous, green stare. "And how does Severus Snape, Third-Year Potions Student, know better than _Professor _Slughorn?"

"Since Severus Snape, Third-Year Potions Student did the reading," he retorted. "Beetle eyes are a very mild catalyst for the lionfish spines, which produce the _actual_ effect. That's why you have to strain the eyes out at the end, because they aren't actually used up."

Her mouth was hanging slightly open, and she was staring at him with unabashed admiration. Severus flushed a little.

"That makes _sense_." She whispered.

He smiled, and leaned in a little, raising a hesitant hand to close her mouth. His hand lingered on her chin.

"You'll catch flies," he whispered, and then he realized how close her face was to his. Her lips were _inches_ away. He saw her eyes dart down and back and knew she'd come to the same conclusion.

Severus felt like he'd been Stunned. He leaned in closer, gauging her reaction, suddenly realizing how _right _this felt, how he'd wanted it for ages without even knowing it, how this feeling was the best he'd ever felt.

His _soul_ was singing.

He closed his eyes.

Someone dropped a book nearby, and they both jumped. Severus was sure his complexion matched Lily's hair as he heard _Potter's_ voice emanating from the shelves. He pulled his hand away, thwarted.

"You're a genius," Lily said, picking up their conversation. "You should have been a Ravenclaw."

"You're a genius in Charms," he said, his smile much less bitter than he suddenly felt. "You could have been a Ravenclaw too."

They bent back over their work, the only signs that something had ever happened being a lot of botched poetry and a faint twinkle in those green, green eyes.

…

"Hey! Snivellus!"

Potter and his friends had it out for him. Since around 3rd year, in fact, which made Severus suspect that Potter had witnessed their almost-kiss.

There was nothing to do but avoid Potter and his gang. For a gang they were, a perfect, happy, mindless gang of brutes.

They caught up to him, and hoisted him into the air with pointed taunting.

He closed his eyes, and thought of Lily, taking refuge in his own personal ray of sunshine as he often did in these situations. He suspected that, because of her, he was much kinder to these _worms_ than he would otherwise be.

But today something was different. It was one time too many. As the taunts and hexes continued, his happy place warped and twisted. Was _this_ all that a future of following Lily contained? Abuse from her housemates, disdain from her friends? Would they ever be happy, a Gryffindor and a Slytherin? She would grow to hate him too. She would despise him; want to free herself from him.

There would never _be_ a future for them.

His heart _hurt, _disintegrating inside his chest, and tears were starting to pool in his eyes. When he heard that distant voice- Lily's voice- it was not as someone being rescued, but as someone being stabbed.

And so he lashed out.

"_Mudblood."_

And the word came out, as he struggled both to pull it back and force it to fruition. It was a new scar on many, many old ones, and as he watched Lily walk away, he knew with bitter self-hatred that things would never be the same between them again.

All that was left to him was darkness.

…

"Hold out your arm, Severus."

A much-older Severus Snape met the eyes of Tom Riddle. They weren't human, those eyes, and Severus wondered if, by association, his own humanity would be stripped away.

He wondered if it would hurt.

Nothing hurt, not really, not compared to the hold in his heart left from his forcible ejection of Lily Evans- now Lily _Potter_. So Severus, his gaze locked with the ascendant Lord Voldemort, held out his left arm.

Riddle smiled humourlessly, a cruel light in his eyes. Quick as a snake, he grasped the proffered limb and pressed his wand to the skin.

He hissed the incantation, but all that Severus heard was the pounding of his heart.

_Lily_.

It hurt more than anything he could ever have imagined. A cold, dead feeling spread from the unfurling Mark, and Severus watched the brand consume what had previously been a pure, unblemished soul.

It was just retribution for what he'd done, he thought as he fell to his knees before his new Lord. He, Severus Snape, was not meant for love, and while one part of him still loved Lily to distraction, he knew that she would be safer, happier if he just stayed away- and he would shrivel, become soulless and evil, do unspeakable things, but as long as he loved her he knew that he would never become like Voldemort.

It was a small, small comfort.

…

"LILY!" he screamed, transfixed for the last time by that beautiful red hair.

It was lifeless, thrown across the floor without care, and the face that it was connected to stared blankly at the ceiling, and the child in the crib stared across the room at Severus with _those eyes_, uncomprehending.

He didn't realize he was crying until he found himself on his knees, howling like an animal.

"Lily- _no-_"

He gathered her into his arms, praying for something, anything, a breath, a flutter of the eyelashes, but it was too late.

She was gone.

"You can't just be gone," he howled, clutching at her in vain. "Lily-"

It was the last coherent word that he got out before he went into hysterics. He wasn't proud of it and never would be, going to pieces on the floor of the Potter's house, the place where she had been happy for a time before her life was cut short.

His heart was ripped to pieces. He couldn't believe it. It was not something to be comprehended, the way that her speaking hands were limp and trailing on the floor, the way that her sparkling eyes were blank, the way that her cheeks were cold, the way that the very real, vibrant woman that he had known and loved was thrown across the floor like a doll.

He didn't know how long that he stayed in that house, crying unashamedly, holding Lily as he would have held her had he ever had the chance.

Finally, as he heard the _crack_ of apparition outside the house that signaled Dumbledore's arrival, he gently laid Lily on the floor and closed her eyes. And as he locked eyes with the boy- the child who had Potter's hair and Lily's eyes- he felt nothing but complete and utter despair.

He wondered, as footsteps pounded up the stairs, if he would ever be able to produce a Patronus again.

…

"I regret it," Voldemort spoke without a trace of remorse, as he gathered up Nagini and left Severus bleeding in the Shrieking Shack.

It was almost over. Almost over. Beyond the pain, Severus was numb. He had one more task, _one more task_, and then he could let go of all the things that tethered him to this hated Earth and move on.

He could find Lily.

And there was Potter- there was always Potter, the tragic hero, walking towards him with a curious lack of hatred in _those_ eyes.

Perfect.

"Take… it… Take… it…" he rasped, forcing his memories out with of his eyes with the tears, and praying that Potter would do things right and understand.

Granger understood, and thrust a vial into Potter's hands before stepping back and letting him die, he thought cynically, in peace.

He just had one last thing he wanted before he let go.

"Look… at…me…"

The green eyes found the black, and held.

He rather thought, as he fell into oblivion, - no, he knew- that he would have liked Potter better if he'd had a hooked nose instead of messy hair.

…

And so it was, the passing of the many regrets of Severus Snape. He remained, beyond the veil, watching over the world that had never been good to him and the people who he hadn't liked. It was a sense of responsibility, yes, something that was left behind that he wanted desperately.

He watched the fall of Voldemort, and the rebuilding of the wizarding world. He watched Harry Potter and the golden trio make too many speeches, and he saw himself get an Order of Merlin, first class, posthumously. He watched as Harry Potter married another redhead, and he watched the birth of their children, the second one in particular.

He never thought he'd see the day where a child would be born with both his name and Lily's beautiful eyes.

…

**Isefyr**


End file.
